Vegas.

Oh, Vegas.

The first time I went to Vegas was probably 1982. It was shortly after the then-new (now old) MGM Grand was built. It was shaped like a lion and was built when the other one caught on fire (it didn't burn to the ground and still exists as a hotel; it was attached to my hotel, actually). What do I remember: Casinos and boredom. As a 12 year old I couldn't do much of anything so my brother and I watched TV in our hotel room. We didn't stay at the MGM, we stayed at the Sands.

Vegas has evolved into an over-the-top adult playground. It's an odd place.

The first 12-to-24 hours are complete over stimulation. Seriously. Lights, noise, people... it's just too much. I got lost twice in the lobby of my hotel just trying to get from one end of it to the front desk. I was told to go straight through the casino. But once I got into the casino it was like getting lost in a snowstorm. I got disoriented and couldn't tell which way was which because it all looked the same. I got lost trying to get to the monorail because my hotel didn't have any signage indicating where the monorail was (or that there was even a monorail).

After a bit the shock dies down and it becomes a little more tolerable. And then it becomes normal. And then, suddenly, it just becomes tired and you want to leave. Right then. I hit the Leave point about 3.5 days in. I was just done.

Between the time when it becomes normal and the time it becomes too much, the people watching is pretty great. This is what I saw:

• Not one thing on the Vegas strip is real. Nothing. But nothing on the Vegas strip is trying to be real. A friend on Facebook referred to Vegas as being "honestly fake." That's it exactly. 

Mini Elvis. 

• Despite the things on the Vegas strip being fake, the people are very real. It is an adult playground and most people are there to let go. And to a certain extent they are the most honest and real in Vegas than they are anywhere else. They don't have to act a certain way because they're a work or because they're a mom or a son or a father. They can completely let go. And as weird as the Vegas strip is, there is a beauty in being able to be that honest no matter how obnoxious the behavior may be. 
• Vegas serves a purpose. And there are consequences and issues related to it. It's an environmental disaster--a massive disaster. Women and Vegas... well, there are issues, but legalized prostitution puts what happens behind the scenes in most cities right out in the open. And that, again, is a level of honesty one doesn't often see. Vegas's purpose: To provide a space where grown ups can go to do whatever without judgement.

Because why wouldn't you build a giant Eiffel Tower replica in the middle of the desert?

When you embrace Vegas for what it is, it can be fun. But like most things that involve complete overindulgence, it has to be experienced in small doses. I was there for too long. By the time I made it to 3.5 days, I just wanted to be someplace quiet. My last night there a group of us were heading over to Caesars to see some Cleopatra barge or some such thing. Three of us got separated. We contemplated catching up with the others but decided to head back to our hotel where we found an empty sports bar and had a couple of drinks.

We did eventually wander on to the casino floor in the attached hotel (it wasn't quite as obnoxious as our hotel) where I played a Dolly Parton slot machine (it played Jolene when I pulled the handle). I lost six bucks in the machine, laughed a lot, drank some "free" wine, and enjoyed myself. This is when I learned if you spent enough time in the casino someone would bring you a drink... This is also when I asked why no one had told me this earlier.

Dolly Slots. At some point if you got the Respin icon everything would spin and
Dolly would say "Let's make you rich!" I never got rich but it was entertaining. 

The next morning I payed for overpriced coffee to be sent to my room, packed, and ventured down to the lobby to find the airport shuttle (at the door I arrived at). And I got lost. Again. When I asked for directions, I got a typewritten list that was... ridiculous. Seriously, y'all, put up maps.

Is it really too hard to have actual maps? Or signage?

Other Observations:

• You will pay for everything. Everything. A drip coffee will run you $5. Don't expect a coffeemaker in your room. And if you have one, you will have to pay to use it. 
• Hotels are built to be confusing. Keeping you lost is a way to keep you in the hotel. 
• Vegas is Really Fucking Hot. "It's a dry heat" may ass. Hot it hot.
• The monorail breaks a lot. Apparently because it gets too hot. Note: If you build a monorail in a desert city, build one that will sustain heat.