Color

I'm a redhead.

I'm not a natural redhead, but I have been a redhead for so long I can't imaging being anything else. My natural color is mousy and blah. It's average. It's boring. It's not me.

I began coloring my hair when I was 16. I started with a wash and then went permanent. Since then I have gone through countless shades of red. I dyed all of my hair black one summer (as opposed to part of it--I did that, too). I did go back to my natural color when I was in my early 20s. I wanted to know if my natural color had changed. It hadn't. Still mousey. I kept it for two years, until I got bored and went back to red. I never looked back.

I'm not a natural redhead but so much of my identity is wrapped up in being a redhead. It's how people remember me. It's unique. It fits me. It fits my personality. I had the personality of a redhead (ie., a quick temper) long before I became one. People use my redhead to explain, and sometimes make excuses for, my behavior.

My wardrobe is for a redhead. My makeup is for a redhead. And I love it. Everything about it.

Despite that, I'm thinking about letting it go. It's been in the back of my head for a while and I have started talking to my hairdresser about it. Why? I'm going gray. My natural color is very ashy. As my hair grows between colorings, I couldn't always tell if I was going gray or if it was my natural color. Then I began to see silver hairs. I was going gray. I shouldn't be surprised. Hell, I'm almost 42. But I was. Very. I couldn't believe it. (But I did like that it was silver and not white. I wanted silver gray.) And at the same time I was upset that I was upset.

It doesn't bother me as much now and the more I find the more I am okay with it. I earned that gray hair, dammit. Thing is, I can't go gray without letting go of the red. That, I am not okay with.

But I'm still thinking about it. Seriously. I'm beginning to see myself without read hair. I'm beginning to think it is time to embrace my real color. But here's the thing: I don't know if I can be myself without being a redhead.

I know that's weird. And probably shallow. But my hair is how I  express myself: I expressed myself through color, style (shaved, long, surly, spiked). It was my rebellion. It was--and is--my individuality. It is what made me stand out. It is still what makes me stand out. I know people will tell me my personality is what it is regardless of my hair color.

But is it? I mean, seriously. There is something special to being a redhead. Seriously. Every read Tom Robbins Still Life with Woodpecker? Redheads are special, dammit. We are. Even if it's fake, my red hair makes me unique. But.... what happens if I'm not a redhead. What happens when I go back to mousy brown? Will I stay the same? Will I act the same? Maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on my hair color, but it is such a huge part of who I am I can't imagine me being me without it.

I want to go gray. I've decided that. I want to embrace it. I'm okay with it. I just want to go gray as a redhead, but I can't. I'm not okay with that. Yet.