I know, You Hate Me

We have more non-student library users at this library than at the library at Ye Olde University. I don't have a problem with non-student users, what I have a problem with are the crazy bastards who think we are only here to serve them. Or the conspiracy theorists who think the Internet is stalking them.

There are two people in general who bother me. They both hate me. Why? Because I won't bend over backwards and do whatever they ask. Why? 1) I'm not their mother. It is not my job to take care of them. 2) They are not our main user. 3) We offer this service to them as a courtesy. "This service" being Internet access--we don't have to do that since we are an academic library. I found out the "I'm a taxpayer" bullshit line doesn't work around here due to how our services are funded.

So, listen to me crazy people, we don't have to do this. We can send you back to the public library where they filter and only allow you one-hour of Internet access a day. And, honestly, I'm a little irritated that I have to go to work during spring break so that Crazy #1 can continue to investigate whether Obama is really a US citizen and Crazy #2 can watch YouTube videos all day. Really. That is the only reason I am there this week. That and to listen to the Crazies huff and puff when I have actual business to attend to.

So, here's a few things I would like to say to the Crazies in my library

1. The Interwebs are not out to get you.
2. Obama is a US citizen.
3. No, no one is hacking into one of your five blogs. Those symbols you see are called emoticons. You are creating them yourself.
   
4. Yes, the entire "The Government is Trying to Kill Us" article did print. See? The last page you printed? It's the last page of the article online, too. I don't care if you think I'm wrong. I'm not.
5. Never, ever, EVER announce to the library what the person in front of you is reading, checking out, or looking up. It is none of your fucking business. Stop it now.
6. No, no one else is reporting problems with that computer. Yes, it's you.
7. No, that computer is not logging you out before your time is up. Your time is up. I will renew it if no one else is waiting.
   
8. If someone else is waiting, they get preference. I don't care if you don't like it. This is not negotiable.
   
9. I don't care if it looks like a computer is not being used. If it doesn't show up on the list, I am not going to reset it. If I won't do this for you, don't you dare go to the student worker because you think you can push them around. You harass my students, you answer to me. I'm not a nice person.
10. You panhandle our students for money I will kick you out.
11. I know you hate me. I won't put up with your bullshit. Many of the others will. I'm okay with that.
12. If you don't like these rules, you have a few choices: Deal with it and abide by the rules or leave. Or I can call someone in the admin office and they can ask you to leave. Or I can call campus safety and they can ask you to leave. It's your choice.
13. Crazy hoodie guy? I will do whatever you ask because you scare the living shit out of me. Please don't hurt me.