Age

I'm middle aged. It's not something I like to admit, but like my brother said when he realized he was 38 (he's not good with age), "Holy shit! I'm middle-aged. God knows I'm not going to live to be 80."

But here's the thing, I don't look my age (40, in May). I'm not bragging or anything, it's the opposite, actually. I've always looked younger than I am. Growing up, people usually thought I was two or three years younger than my age. The worst was when a group of people I worked with thought I was 15. I was 20. As I moved into my 20s and 30s, people thought I was younger, but they guessed an age closer to my actual age. I liked that, I felt like I had grown into my age. However, lately, I've noticed a change. Once again, people think I am significantly younger than I am. A colleague told me that in his mind I would always be 28 because that's how old he thought I was when I interviewed. Twenty-eight is a good ten years younger than I was at the time.

Why do people think I am so young? I'm pretty casual. I wear jeans as much as possible. I swear a lot. I'm short. Real short. I was at a meeting on Friday and while sitting in a generic plastic conference chair, my feet didn't touch the ground. And I'm cute.

I don't say that to talk about how great I am, but I've been told that my entire life. But the thing is, it was often accompanied by, "You're not beautiful, but you're cute." And people told me I should be happy I was cute and not beautiful because beauty fades and cuteness stays. Somehow this was supposed to make me feel better.


I don't mean to come across as bragging.... Gee, I look young! I'm cute! Because it isn't just that people think I'm younger than I am, it's that people treat me like I am a lot younger than I am. I've lived these years. I earned this age. Do I act younger than than my age? When you work with college kids it's easy to forget that you are getting older--because the students are always 18-23 years old. Do I act so immature that people think I am ten years younger than I am? Because I don't know how else to act.

A few weeks ago, while complaining about the manager of our complex, my neighbor told me that I didn't have the same issues with the "restrictive" rules because I had never lived without structure. Okay, first of all, she was pissed because management jumped on her for using a charcoal grill in a semi-enclosed walkway.* Uh, what? I haven't lived without structure? I said something like, "I've lived on my own since I was 18...." Later I realized she probably thought I was was much, much younger than I am and hadn't been on my own very long. Either way, what the fuck?

When I was stuck in O'Hare I almost pulled out my driver's license to prove to another stranded traveler that I was six months shy of 40.

I see it at work, too. Most of my colleagues, except for maybe two, are at least ten years older than me. And they often refer to me as the whippersnapper, because in that setting, I am. But sometimes, I feel like I am getting a verbal pat on the head.

Why, all of a sudden, do people think I am in my late 20s? Because, honestly, I don't look like it. I don't think it is related to my looks (although I do think it is tied to my height). I am beginning to think it is because I don't have things most women have at my age. I'm not married. But it isn't that I'm not married (or coupled in any way), it's that I'm not single because I got divorced, it's because I've never been married. I don't own a home. I don't have children. I know other women my age who don't have kids or aren't married, but they one of those other major life events I mentioned.

I don't know. Maybe I do look that young, but I don't think that's it. But there is part of me that thinks I need to change something in my life because I must be doing something wrong if people think I am still that young.





*My neighbor's defense for grilling in the semi-enclosed walkway of our building was that it was okay because we live in a concrete building and that concrete buildings don't burn. Seriously. So, I may look young but at least I'm not clueless. And how did the management know my neighbor was grilling? I told them. I really didn't feel like having my building go up in flames because of someone else's stupidity.