The Colon

...As in the internal organ, not the punctuation.

A little family history: A few years ago my mom had major surgery to remove colon polyps. One was pre-cancersous and most, if not all, were too large to remove during the colonoscopy so she had to have full-blown surgery to have them removed (she was recently given a clean bill of health). When I mentioned this to my doctor a couple years ago, she wanted me to get a colonoscopy. Needless to say, I didn't.

This year during my annual exam, she brought it up again. Colon cancer wasn't anything to screw with, she said. I knew this. A good friend's mom died of colon cancer when she was only 52. Still, I didn't want to do it, I whined. I thought I was too young. I knew that the rule of thumb was to get tested was ten years younger than the age your parent/relative had colon cancer. Mom didn't actually have cancer and she was in her 60s. But... My doctor was right: Colon cancer isn't anything to screw with.

I talked to the gastroenterologist and he said he'd consider me high risk despite my age based on my mom's history and that I should start having colonoscopy at the age of 40. Initially, I had Mom's diagnosis wrong, I thought all the polyps were pre-cancerous, but he was more concerned with their size than anything. If all of her polyps had been pre-cancerous but were small enough to be removed during the screening, he wouldn't consider me high risk.

So, long story short (and it is a long story), I had a colonoscopy today. I bring this up because it's one of those things that people don't like to talk about because it's gross and embarrassing and something that people aren't comfortable with. These are just some of the reasons people don't get them done--the other reasons have to do with the prep and the procedure itself.

Let me start with the diagnosis. I'm fine. But, they did find three small polyps. I was surprised since people kept telling me that given my age (42), the chance of them finding anything was rare. However, given my family history, the doctor wasn't surprised. None of them had an appearance that worried him. They will be be sent off to be biopsied, and I'll hear from the doctor in about a week.

This is my little PSA: Get a colonoscopy. I'm glad I did. I'll probably have to have another one in five years. But the worry and build-up in my mind about the procedure was way worse than it really was.

Firs there was one day (or a day and a half in may case) of an almost clear liquid diet. "Almost" because there are some solid foods that you can eat, a decent amount, actually, but most of it wasn't vegan. So, I had one day of a liquid diet consisting of apple juice, white grape juice, Gatorade, lemonade, and veggie broth. Most veggie broth is fairly cloudy, so I had to shop around to find some that was mostly clear (the stuff in a can is clearish). I was able to eat some plain soy yogurt and a half cup of rice. Believe me, after half-day of nothing but grape juice, rice in veggie broth was one of the best things I have ever eaten.

Then comes the prep. You know, the gallon of stuff you have to drink to clear your insides out. This is what I was dreading. It wasn't too bad. It tasted like  really salty water. And the affect? Not nearly as drastic as I'd  imagined. I drank the stuff, grabbed my laptop, and caught up on the new show Don't Trust the B in Apt 23 on OnDemand. (It's a decent show. Really. James Van Der Beek is pretty awesome in it.)

My procedure wasn't until 3:00 the next afternoon, so the fact that I couldn't have coffee and that I couldn't drink anything three hours before the procedure sucked the most.

The procedure itself? It's pretty much nothing. They rolled me into the room and asked me how I was doing. (Me: "Hungry. Let's get this thing done.") They knock you out. I remember them telling me it would take three to four minutes for it to take affect, and I remember nothing after that. Everyone was super nice and I got a wheelchair ride out to the car afterwards. (Me: "Last time I was in a wheelchair was when my brother and I would have wheelchair races in the hospital [where my mom was a nurse].)

And I was so very hungry when I was done. I went to a local place that has vegan baked goods and vegan burgers. I got a burger, two vegan red velvet cupcakes, a vegan blueberry muffin, and coffee. (I make no apologies that I will eat all of this tonight,  I ate the muffin while waiting for my burger. I haven't eaten solid food in almost 48 hours--I had some make-up eating to do.)

My insurance company were jackasses about this. They don't consider it preventative because I'm not 50 years old, and my family history meant nothing to them. And because they found polyps, it goes from medical to diagnostic which makes it more expensive, and it will cost me a pretty penny. (SUCK IT, INSURANCE BASTARDS.)

Despite the jackassery of my insurance company, I'm glad I did this now. And if your doctor tells you to get a colonoscopy, get one. It isn't nearly as traumatic as everyone says it is.