Dealing

So, last week was the worst week after dad died. It was when what had happened really hit me. My dad had died. It was difficult to wrap my mind around that. Then we got the autopsy results. It was, of course, exactly what we thought: massive heart attack, 100% blockage. He didn't feel a thing. The time of death was also not when we thought it was, and the time the coroner said it was made me feel better.... (I'm not going to go into details).

So, the autopsy was the kick in the head. That was what made it real. The same thing happened when Cori died all those years ago. When a friend said something about the autopsy I just remember running out of the room. That was what made me realize one of my best friends was dead. So, I guess it makes sense the same thing happened with my dad.

But here's the thing. When you see a bunch of people you haven't seen all summer and they ask, "Hey, how was your summer?" What do you say? Especially when up until July 27th, it had been a good summer. Your little brother graduated from high school, you went to New Orleans, you were planning a trip back to Madison and then Chicago plus a few other trips right after that. It had been a good summer and it was going to get better. But then your dad dies and throws everything out of whack. A month later when someone asks you how your summer was, all you can hear in your head is your brother saying, "Sit down; bad news. Dad passed away." Do you say, "It sucked"? Do you say, "It was okay" and leave it at that? Or, "I've had better." I've said them all because I don't really know how to address it.

But I'm dealing. Really. I know it will take a long time, and I mean a long time, to really come to terms with this. But I am dealing.